What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 01:05
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Comes on , in middle age.
All the time i was locked up.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
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I was writing from the time i was a small child.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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I was 9 years of age.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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I couldn’t, believe it.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I said to her
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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I write beautiful poetry .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was seconnd youngest,
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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Im still living with it.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My life is so biszare .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She wouldn,t have been !
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And i lived it daily.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One cannot live in the past .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She found it foreign!.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She was in good health!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Ive learnt so much.
I could never make a relationship work though!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He resisted the act ,that day.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
This is soul school!.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was scared of men, in general
When she asked me how she looked .
But ive been too sick for many years..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We were not on the streets..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We all went to grammer schools
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
(And it was in our own minds.)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I don,t even have a pension.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As i do to all so called friends.?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She married twice! .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But it wasn’t much.
I think the readers, may guess!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I have no regrets .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Put me off passion for life!!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I waited trembling.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But, we were locked up after school.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He knew the spot.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Was to survive, this bastard.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Would this be the day?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I will be 64.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
So whats the point in blame.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Who then, do I blame.?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
So, i spoilt her more .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was very sick at this time too.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My family never makes their pension either.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
It was going to be , some day.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She loved him until the end.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
What did i know ?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor